On Being Powerless
No matter how much you do, achieve, how well you do, there will be defeats, inevitably. The Serenity Prayer teaches us to accept what we can't change, but I sometimes find it hard to accept unfair realities.
God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Now I don't rely on god to give me anything, but to learn and to just get smarter with every experience, but I have a strong urge to refuse other peoples opinion on matters that can't be changed. In a way that's where change comes from, that someone doesn't take a status as fixed and identifies that it requires changing, so to me it's close to impossible to distinguish between what can be changed and what can not, at least without trying.
Being powerless, disappointed in myself is what I feel in situations where harm hits me or other people. It doesn't have to be anyones fault, it's just that you wonder what you could have done differently to avoid any of this.
Feeling powerless, weak, misplaced or useless is also not uncommon for situations where you could not possibly have made any difference, because feelings aren't always to be reasoned with. Disease or accidents or suicides tend to be triggers for people blaming themselves for others harm they could not have prevented.
I bet everybody still has thoughts like:
But we fought so hard! Why wasn't that enough?and fall into questioning many parts of themselves. I also think that people think this, regardless of what standard they set for them or their level of ambition.
Feeling unfit for a task or in a role is normal and I already hear somebody yelling IMPOSTOR SYNDROME in my ear while I'm writing this, but somehow accepting that I can't change as much as I want, in even parts about what I want and need and what happens around me, is incredibly difficult.
In general I think it's okay. I sometimes feel powerless and I've been told that it's a good thing that the fate of others affects and hurts me. I've been told there's nothing I can do to change that. I don't entirely believe it and I'll sure as hell try. Writing is one of my ways to compensate feelings I can't stand and helps me work through them. Also maybe somebody in my life reading this, will not hesitate to share their feelings, because they know that things make me feel like shit too. I've got an open ear for anyone who would just like someone to talk to about anything.
I have plenty of people to talk to, even though I don't talk to them half as often as I should, but I am incredibly fortunate to be where I am in life.